Underworld: The Musical
by Syndic-Machiavelli
Summary: NOTE: Now includes Prologue; chaptering fixed. The Premiere is finally underway! Tickets: Premium - favourties listing; A res. - good review. Flamers will be given to the nearest vampire for a snack.
1. Backstage

ERIKA is singing, quite horrendously.

**Erika:** (wails) I can't sing this – it's too high.

SONJA walks past.

**Sonja: **Need some help?

**Erika: **Yes!

She hands the music to SONJA, who sings it perfectly:

**Sonja: **Mea culpa,

Je ne dors plus,

Je ...

At this moment, VIKTOR storms in, wearing his official dress and a frown.

**Viktor: **(warningly) You'd better not let Lucien hear you!

**Sonja: **Don't worry Father; he doesn't understand French.

**Viktor: **(mutters) I'm not surpr-

He is interrupted by a voice offstage:

**Lucien: **Prends, prends ... (whining) Amelia, it's not in here!

**Amelia: **You have to look up the infinitive you moron, which is _prendre._

**Lucien: **Right. _Prendre_...to take. So... _prends moi_.

**Everyone:** Ooo

**Viktor: **Amelia...

He walks over to her and smiles.

**Erika: **Sadist. (smirks)

**Voice **(green room):sighs

...I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!

**Amelia: **Eep.

AMELIA runs away and SELENE walks in from the GR holding a copy of the script and muttering under her breath:

**Selene: **Fine, fine, _what? "Chrissakes Selene, is Viktor your sire or your lover?" _I. Am. Going. To. Kill. The. Author. (pauses and flicks over a few pages) Ewww... I have to...to...

VIKTOR glares at her.

**Viktor: **Well?

**Selene: **IhavetokissMichaelandIREALLYdon'twanttodoit.

**Viktor: **(mutters) _Quid dicisti?!_

**Selene:** (composes herself) Let me revise my previous statement: I. Am. Going. To. Kill. The. Author. Very. Slowly.

**Viktor: **(laughing evily) Well, at least I don't have anything like that in my part. (pauses and turns over a page) Well, I won't soon. (picks up his sword and looks at SELENE) Coming _cherie_?

**Michael: **Who are you looking for?

VIKTOR and SELENE, who is now holding a handgun, both smirk.

**Selene: **The author.


	2. Death Dealers Watch Out For The Aerial

**Selene: **very serious, stern expressionThe war had all but ground to a halt in the blink of an eye. Lucian, the most feared and ruthless leader ever to rule the Lycan clan, had finally been killed. The Lycan hoard scattered to the wind in a single evening of flame and retribution. Victory, it seemed, was in our grasp. The very birthright of the vampyres. Nearly 6 centuries had passed since that night, yet the ancient bloodfeud proved unwilling to follow Lucian to the grave. Though Lycans were fewer in number, the war itself had become more perilous, for the moon no longer held her sway. Older, more powerful Lycans, were now able to change at will. Weapons had evolved, but our orders remained the same; hunt them down and kill them off, one by one. A most successful campaign... perhaps too successful. For those like me, a Death Dealer, this signaled the end of an era. Like the weapons of the previous century, we too would become obsolete. Pity, because I lived for it.

SELENE looks at RIGEL, who nods slightly, before jumping off the 5th floor balcony they are perched on. She lands and looks around for RIGEL...

**Rigel: **(hanging from someone's TV aerial) Um...help?

SELENE rolls her eyes and leaves him there.

**Rigel: **Bitch!

A STERN OLD WOMAN next door pokes her head out the window and sees RIGEL hanging there. The STERN OLD WOMAN bashes him with her walking stick.

**Stern Old Woman: **crotchety voice How DARE you insult the poor young lady like that?! Foul-mouthed little rat!

The LYCAN ASS KICKERS down below have now noticed the commotion. The FIRST LAK falls to the pavement and starts rolling around cackling as the SECOND LAK pulls out a camera and takes a picture.

**1st LAK: **Hahahahaha! If that's the best they've got, it's no wonder they're losing!

**Stern Old Woman: **And YOU! Unruly curs! Put that camera away NOW!

SELENE walks up to the LAKs...and beats the crap put of them. The STERN OLD LADY laughs so hard that she falls out of the window.

**Rigel: **Good riddance! Now will you PLEASE get me off this aerial?!


	3. In The Sewers

Many drunked Lycans cheer as two transformed Lycans beat each other up. Suddenly Lucien storms into the den, raises his gun and fires. Everyone stops and stares at him.

Lucien: YOU ARE ACTING LIKE A PACK OF RABID DOGS! And that is _not_ what we must be if we are to defeat the vampires on their own ground.

He lowers the gun barrel and…

Lycan Standing Behin Lucien: Oof.

Lucien: turns around What the-? notices that the Lycan standing behind him is now unconscious on the floor Ooops. grins

(mutters absently to himself) Where was I…Oh yes, composing awful poetry. HEY GUYS! Come and listen to this!

(begins to sing to the tune of "Lifeatyles of the Rich and the Famous" by GC.)

If we see them on TV

Or read about it in the magazines,

Vampires, it's one simple thing:

All they do is piss and moan

Inside their house of stone

Talking about how hard

Life can…be

I'd like to see them spend a week

Living life out on the street.

I don't think they would survive.

If they could spend a day or two,

Walking in some poor Lycan's shoes

I think they'd stumble and they'd fall…

They would fall…

Lifestyles of the Rich and the Guiltless

They're always complaining, always complaining

If power's such a problem

Well they've got a mansion –

Think we should rob them?

And you know, if one of them

And killed for a life

There'd be no such thing as 25 to life

As long as you're a Death Dealer

Or an Elder.

And if you were caught drinking human blood

You wouldn't be drained of your own blood

You could always just run

For a seat on the Council.

Den joins in:

I'd like to see them spend a week

Living life out on the street.

I don't think they would survive.

If they could spend a day or two,

Walking in some poor Lycan's shoes

I think they'd stumble and they'd fall…

Lifestyles of the Rich and the Guiltless

They're always complaining, always complaining

If power's such a problem

Well they've got a mansion –

Think we should rob them?

They would fall…fall

Lifestyles of the Rich and the Guiltless

They're always complaining, always complaining

If power's such a problem

Well they've got a mansion –

Think we should rob them?

Lucien: Pierce, Taylor; put some clothes on and find the next victim. pauses and turns to camera Oh come _on_, I'm the bad guy because I live in a sewer? Give me a break!


	4. Orgodhaz

Disclaimer: Own nothing in this chapter except for the changed verse beginning "Since I was born again."

SELENE storms into the mansion, bitchslaps Kraven and strides over to Kahn, before slamming a gun full of UV ammo on the table.

SELENE: We have a _serious_ problem.

KAHN: Speak for yourself.

ERIKA: Ooo, glowing blue bullets. Pretty...

KAHN: What?! Notices UV ammo Crap. What next, a den full of Lycans?

SELENE: Actually, now that you mention it...

KRAVEN: with a HUGE black eye What is going on here?

SELENE: There's a den of lycans in the sewers. Dozens, maybe even hundreds.

KRAVEN: Don't be ridiculous. There hasn't been a den of that magnitude since the days of Lucien.

SELENE: has sudden coughing fit. I want to lead a team down there to investigate it.

KRAVEN: NO! ABSOLUTELY NO! notices everyone staring at him Soren will handle it. You take this 'warrior' business far too seriously. Come and have a drink.

SELENE bitchslaps him again. He swoons over her even more. ERIKA hurries over to her and starts to tend to his smashed up face.

ERIKA: smirks _I_ would never do that to you...

SELENE: mutters _Viktor _wouldn't stand for this!

Exit SELENE.

KRAVEN: (whose face is still smashed up badly) Erika, find Selene and get her ready for tonight's reception. And hurry; Amelia's envoy is arriving as we speak.

KRAVEN hurries off. ERIKA gazes at him fixatedly.

ERIKA: (to the tune of "Mea Culpa" by Enigma:)

Mea culpa

Je ne dors plus.

Les temps sont venus.

Je te desire

Les temps sont venus.

Prends moi  
Je suis a toi  
Mea culpa

Je veux aller au bout de me fantasmes  
Je sais que c'est interdit  
Je suis folle. Je m'abandonne

Je suis la et ailleurs  
Je n'ai plus rien  
Je deviens folle  
Je m'abandonne

Je ne dors plus  
Je te desire  
Prends moi  
Je suis a toi

Je suis la et ailleurs  
Je veux tout  
Quand tu veux

EXIT ERIKA


	5. The Elders Crypt

SELENE, having stormed off, is now standing in front of Viktor's tomb in the Crypt.

Enter ERIKA

**Erika: **Come on Selene, we have to get you ready for the party tonight.(pauses)

You can't change the past, no matter how many you kill.

**Selene: **(to herself) Damn Kraven! _Why _won't you believe me?

**Erika: **The last thing Viktor would want is to find that you'd died of cold standing there brooding at his tomb.

**Selene: **(sharply) You're right, Viktor wouldn't want me here, he'd have ordered me out there to investigate this -

**Erika: **sighs (mutters) Chrissakes Selene, is Viktor your sire or your lover? uses her brain for once Oooo! No wonder you don't want Kraven.

**Selene: **hears Erika ERIKA!!!!!! chases her out of the Crypt.

**Erika: **grins I'll take that as a yes.

Selene, meanwhile has walked back into the Crypt and is staring errr...longingly at Viktor's tomb.

**Selene:**

(to the tune of "Trust" by Good Charlotte)

If you want me to wait

I will wait for you,

If you tell me to stay,

I will stay right through,

If you don't wan't to say anything at all

I'm happy wondering.

Since I was born again

Never laughed again –

Never cared for love or security, but

Ever since I met you,

I never could forget you,

Only wanted to get you

Right here next to me.

'Cause everybody oohh...

Needs someone that they can trust and

You're somebody oohh...

That I found just in time.

If you want me to wait

I will wait for you,

If you tell me to stay,

I will stay right through,

If you don't wan't to say anything at all

I'm happy wondering.

My life has been changing

It's always rearranging,

It's always getting stranger

Than I thought it ever could.

Ever since I found you

I want to be around you,

Always wanted to get around to

The point that

I need you.

'Cause everybody oohh...

Needs someone that they can trust and

You're somebody oohh...

That I found just in time.

If you want me to wait

I will wait for you,

If you tell me to stay,

I will stay right through,

If you don't wan't to say anything at all

I'm happy wondering.

Don't tell me

The bad things

Don't tell me

Anything at all.

Just tell me

That you need me

And you'll stay right here with me.

If you want me to wait

I will wait for you,

If you tell me to stay,

I will stay right through,

If you don't wan't to say anything at all

I'm happy wondering.

If you want me to wait

I will wait for you,

If you tell me to stay,

I will stay right through,

If you don't wan't to say anything at all

I'm happy wondering.

Exit SELENE.


	6. Amelia's Regent Shows Off His Tapdancing

Disclaimer: Own nothing except the changed verses of "Selene and Kraven."  
  
Rigel is halfway through his boring speech when Erika comes up to Kraven and whispers in his ear about Selene.  
  
Coven (who are clearly bored stupid by Rigel's speech): Oooooo...  
  
Rigel: Hey! Isn't any- (sees Kraven and Erika and bursts into song: to the tune of "Boys and Girls" by Good Charlotte")  
  
Educated, with money  
  
He's well-dressed, not funny,  
  
Not much to say in most conversations  
  
But he'll foot the bill in all situations  
  
'Cause he pays for everything.  
  
Coven: Selene doesn't like Kraven  
  
She likes cars and money  
  
But Kraven laughs at her  
  
When she's not funny.  
  
Ammo or gadgets  
  
Doesn't matter - she'll have it.  
  
Spying and shooting sprees  
  
These are a few of her favourite things.  
  
She'll get what she want if she's willing to please  
  
his type of girls always comes with the fees  
  
But hey now, there's nothing for free.  
  
Selene doesn't like Kraven  
  
She likes cars and money  
  
But Kraven laughs at her  
  
When she's not funny.  
  
Selene doesn't like Kraven  
  
She likes cars and money  
  
Rigel: Let's go!  
  
The Coven begins dancing!  
  
Selene doesn't like Kraven  
  
She likes cars and money  
  
But Kraven laughs at her  
  
When she's not funny.  
  
He wants he body but she prefers her Ferrari  
  
Selene doesn't like Kraven  
  
She likes cars and money.  
  
All of these boys and all of these irls  
  
Losing their souls in a material world.  
  
All of these boys and all of these girls  
  
All of these boys and all of these girls...  
  
Exeunt OMNES. 


	7. Michael bashing

SELENE walks to the door of MICHAEL'S apartment and tries the door, which is locked. She produces a set of Allen keys, trying out key after key. Eventually, she gets extremely fed up and bashes the door in. She walks over to MICHAEL'S desk and starts leafing through the papers on it.

**Selene: **(under her breath) The Effect of Sanguin Imbibing Sentient Organisms on the Psychopathology of Cretinous Homo Sapiens..........right.

Meanwhile MICHAEL is walkng along the corridor to his flat and notices that the door is now a large pile of splinters.

**Michael: **Damn. Oh well.

He walks into the apartment and is lifted up and slammed against the wall by SELENE, who is still holding the tome on psychology.

**Selene: **WHY ARE THEY AFTER YOU?!

**Michael: **Whaaaa? (notices the tome) No! Not the PhD thesis!

At this very moment another gruop of LYCAN ASS KICKERS, including LUCIEN fall through the ceiling. SELENE drops MICHAEL and starts shooting.

**Michael: **Nice doggies.

He runs away. SELENE follows.

MICHAEL hides in the lift. SELENE, having now shot all the LAKs to pieces, runs to the elevator and smashes her fist onto the doors.

**Selene:** Mehercule!

The lift arrives at the bottom and MICHAEL walks out, straight into LUCIEN.

**Lucien: **(evily) Hello Michael.

LUCIEN grabs MICHAEL and bites him. Suddenly, he spits MICHAEL'S blood out.

**Lucien: **Ugh! Spinach!

But LUCIEN still won't give up and collects some of the spilt blood, putting it in a test tube. At that moment SELENE shoots him in the face and drags Michael away.

**Michael:** If you weren't so attractive I'd report this to the police. You DO know that kidnapping is illegal, right?

**Selene:** The "we have a warrant for your arrest according to the message on the answering machine" police?

**Michael:** Ah.

SELENE drags him to the car and throws him in.


	8. Car Chases

LUCIEN opens his eyes and staggers about for a while.

**Lucien:** Mummy...

He collapses again. After a while he tries again. This time he climbs to his feet and notices the bullets in his face and chest. He rips off his shirt and begins telepathically extracting the bullets. (You all know how he does it in the film; contorting and grinning like a maniac.)

**Voice OS:** Watch out Lucie-boy, you might have an orgasm.

The VOICE begins to suddenly beg for mercy.

**Voice 2 OS:** Sonja dear, please don't turn Kraven into purée. We need him later on. Just put the bar down...

SELENE turns the key in the ignition and tries to start the car. It stalls.

**Selene: **(swearing) This would never have happened in Caesar's time.

**Michael:** coughs You have the handbrake on. And of course it wouldn't. They didn't have chariots then.

**Selene (and eveyone else):** ??????

SELENE swears some more and drives off very fast. Unfortunately LUCIEN has finished hav—I mean extracting bullets and runs after them. He jumps onto the roof and starts stabbing SELENE.

**Michael: **BRAKE BRAKE GODDAMIT!!

SELENE obediantly slams on the brakes, sending LUCIEN flying.

**Michael:** Look, you need to stop the car and let me take a look at those wounds.

**Selene: **No.

**Michael:** Please. Just-

**Selene:** Who are you kidding? I'm not falling for that old trick like I did 2 centuries ago. Although last time it was "When I arrived you were being attacked by a rabid Lycan. Are you sure it didn't bite you when you were unconscious?"

MICHAEL wonders just how delusional this strange woman is and SELENE daydreams about that fateful night (cue ominous music) so neither of them notices when SELENE just drives the car into a river.

**Selene:** Oops.

**Michael:** Ohmigod ohmigod GET ME OUT OF HERE! goes into hysterics

SELENE faints. MICHAEL grabs her gun and fires at the window, before swimming out and dragging SELENE with him.

**Michael:** (sniggers) Badass kidnapper doesn't like swimming. Tee hee!

An unconscious SELENE accidentally bashes him in the face and goes into convulsions.

**Voice OS:** It's DAYLIGHT you moron! Get her out of the sun!

**Michael:** Jeez. Kraven is SO pushy... drags her out of the light and collapses with the effort.

A few hours later...

Hehe next chapter. Would you prefer fewer longer chapters or more chapters at this length. I'm trying to go with the chaptering for the DVD but it's a litle erratic.


	9. Rampages and Michael the Banana Tree

Disclaimer: I own nothing! weeps And I'm not making any money either. Can't you tell?

So... we last left a collapsed SELENE and MICHAEL on a riverbank, without a car. By some strange twist of fate, SELENE wakes up, hails a taxi, whose driver isn't at all surprised to see her lugging a dead-looking body, and asks him to take her to a dilapidated mansion of no interest whatsoever.

MICHAEL wakes to see ERIKA looming over him and smirking.

**Michael:** Hey, you're cute. What's your number?

**Erika:** 3 141 592 653 switchboard 589 793 extension 238.

**Michael:** staring in a confused manner Um... don't suppose you could write that down?

**Erika:** Yeah, sure. Oh, and by the way, you _do_ realise that you've been kidnapped and dragged off to a remote mansion?

**Michael: **What?! mutters to himself In a few moments I'll open my eyes and be in my apartment. Either that or

(to "I'm Going Slightly Mad" by Queen:)

When the moon outside rises  
And the meaning is oh so clear  
One thousand and one yellow Death Dealers  
Begin to dance in front of you - oh dear  
Are they trying to tell you something ?  
You're missing that one final screw  
You're simply not in the pink my dear  
To be honest you haven't got a clue  
I'm going slightly mad  
I'm going slightly mad  
It finally happened - happened  
It finally happened -  
It finally happened - I'm slightly mad - oh dear !  
Ha ha ha ha ha

I'm one shot short of a full mag  
I'm not quite the shilling  
One wave short of a shipwreck  
I'm not my usual top billing  
I'm coming down with a fever  
Since that bastard bit me!  
This kettle is boiling over  
I think I'm a banana tree  
Oh dear

I'm driving only three wheels these days  
But my dear, how about you ?  
I'm going slightly mad  
I'm going slightly mad  
It finally happened  
It finally happened - oh yes  
It finally happened - I'm slightly mad !  
Just very slightly mad !  
And there you have it !

Suddenly KRAVEN bursts in.

**Kraven:** WHAT IS THIS?! points to MICHAEL

**Erika:** It's a mortal O Great and Inteligent One Who Should Be An Elder But Isn't. And it's Selene's boyfriend. She's going to try and turn him.

KRAVEN has a small fit. MICHAEL, being a total wuss, jumps out the window.

SELENE enters just in time to see MICHAEL jump out the window.

**Selene:** WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO??! ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL MICHAEL?

**Kraven:** Me? Why in the name of the Elders would _I_ want to kill your boyfriend?

**Selene:** My _what_? Erika, just WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN TELLING KRAVEN?

SELENE storms out and goes on a small rampage throughout the archives. She reads through the boring history of the war and suddenly remembers something:

**Kraven:** (during his little rant) ...And it's not like Lucien would want a human anyway, I mean _come on_. He's so, like, _preoccupied _ with staying Incognito... (A/N: Doesn't this remind you of the school ditz? LOL)

**Selene:** (in archives, to "Incognito" by Enigma)

Incognito...

Like a shadow on the wall

If you come or if you go

Who you are, nobody knows

Can't get behind...incognito

You are capturing my mind

If I want, or if I don't

Not observed by the law

But still... incognito

Like a shadow on the wall

Free access around the world

Who you are, nobody knows

Eyes without face.... incognito.

As SELENE comes to a decision and strides out of the now trashed archive room, she collides with ERIKA

**Erika:** Um Selene....

**Selene:** Concentrate concentrate concentrate Concentrate concentrate concentrate Concentrate concentrate concentrate... Yes, what?

**Erika:** You trashed the archives, didn't you? And... (realisation dawns) YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE NEAR THAT CRYPT! I'LL STOP YOU IF IT'S TH-

She is cut off by SELENE throwng her into a wall.

**Selene:** You did try. At least Kraven won't be mad at you...much.


End file.
